Rights & Tolerance | September 19, 2005
Douglas Drenkow, "Progressive
Posted in "GordonTalk", "Comments
From Left Field", & "OpEdNews"
United States Senate
United States Capitol
name is John G. Roberts and I am a judge on the U.S. Court of
Appeals for the D.C. Circuit. I understand that there are
currently two openings on the United States Supreme Court that you
are trying to fill. I would like to apply for the position of
Chief Justice of the United States. Please allow me to tell you
why and outline my qualifications, as detailed in my enclosed
believe that the most important qualification for becoming a
Justice of the Supreme Court, and in particular Chief Justice of
the United States, is sound judgment -- the product of a brilliant
mind applying principles of fair-mindedness to a thorough
examination of all the evidence.
and trust that you in the Senate, in your Constitutionally
mandated role of providing "advice and consent", will
likewise apply sound judgment in considering my application for
this position of great moment and consequence.
please don't ask me about any of my opinions, passions, or
prejudices; I just don't have any. Really. I'm not an
ideologue; I'm a...uh...um...
that stuff I wrote for other people -- you know, the legal
opinions against abortion
rights, civil rights, workers' rights, consumers' rights,
defendants' and prisoners' rights, First Amendment rights,
environmental protections, all that sort of stuff -- I just did it
for the money. I mean, it was just a job. Uh, what I mean to say
is, I really think it was a honor working for two presidents and
those big corporations and Right Wing interest groups; and
everything they stood for was great and all. But just don't think
I really meant any of those things I wrote for them. I did
everything I could to get to work for them, but I really didn't
want to work for them. I'm not saying they put a gun to my head to
write those things; but who would write such things, you know?
anyway, I was just a dumb kid back then. I'm much more mature now.
Just listen to how I tell you only what you want to hear, or
double-talk, or nothing at all. Now that I'm older and wiser, I
know how to play the game...so I can wind-up umpiring the games.
It is a game, isn't it?
mean, if you knew what I really believed and how I really thought,
please don't ask me what I really believe or how I really think
about anything in particular...at least anything in the last half
century: I mean, that might actually give you a hint about how I'd
rule on something. That wouldn't be fair now, would it? That Brown
v. Board of Education thing was a good decision --
"separate" isn't "equal" with segregated
classrooms -- just pay no attention to my
writing on behalf of the Reagan Administration in opposition to
the strengthening of the Voting Rights Act that you can't
strike down laws just because the effect is discriminatory; you
have to prove intent (yeah, like that's gonna happen, uh...). Hey,
I respect the right to privacy -- well,
in some cases, but let's not get down to cases -- so how's
about respecting mine? I promise not to bring any of my personal
baggage to the bench. Really I do.
mean, what has "justice" got to do with any of the
personal and political peccadilloes that make each of us unique
human beings? Why, when you think about it like that, you could
get a supercomputer to do this job.
seriously, Sen's, just take a look at my work history as a judge:
A full (well, almost full) three years on the Appellate Bench and
ah, um, uh...it was a LONG three years (well, almost three). There
was that french fry thing. And the toad.
sure I could do a real good job for the rest of my life. And
yours. And your kids. And your grandkids. And...
promise to take those goofy looking stripes off the sleeves of the
robes. Maybe go with a paisley motif or something.
case, I'm confident that after you think it all over, you'll come
to the inescapable conclusion that of some 300 million Americans,
I'm the very best man, er, person for the job.
forget, that's the opinion of my top professional reference,
President George W. Bush. And if anyone is a good judge of good
judgment it's President Bush: Why, just look at all that his sound
judgment has done for Iraq, New Orleans, the environment, the
budget, the price of gas, the...
maybe you'd just better look at my resume. It's got a nice font.
Not too conservative. I mean, if you like conservative fonts it is
pretty darn conservative; but...um, if you don't like conservative
say potato; I say uh, no Roe. Let's call the whole thing off.
John G. Roberts
Whatever you do, don't click here
-- it'll take you to a webpage where, with just one click, anybody
can send a personalized message to each of their senators and, if
they'd like, a letter to the editor of their nearest newspaper
opposing my confirmation as Chief Justice. And I'm too charming
(and cagey) to go the way of Robert Bork. Aren't I?
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